Don't do things when you're angry because you'll probably regret them later.
If I cared about that, I wouldn't be writing this right now.
I have absolutely no idea of how I'm feeling. Like, everything keeps being ok, no major shifts, nothing to make me happy and nothing to make me cry. Standard. Average. Boring. Stable. Nice. Disgusting.
And then anger. I feel rage.
Why can't I find my person? For a while now I've been thinking about this. Not in a sexual way, fucktard. I just want to find the perfect friend. I want to find someone that fits me. Someone that knows I'm kidding. Someone that doesn't feel like I'm using him/her. Someone that will tell me everything knowing that I'm there to listen and give advice. Someone that trusts me and would believe what I say when I mean it. I want to find someone that sometimes follows my lead because another time it could be me following his/her lead. I don't want to own anyone. I don't want to be owned. I don't want to ask someone to do as I say if and only if there will be an occasion for me to do as he/she says. Because that someone has to enjoy spontaneity. And maybe we will never go to the movies I like, maybe I will never give the advice, maybe he will always call me or maybe she will always assume the leading role. I don't know. And I like not knowing. I want someone to love me but I don't want that person to say it all the time. I want to know I'm needed and I want to need someone, but I don't want to have to state my feelings for that person to know. I want to express myself with my actions and not my words. I want to make food for that person, get that person's laundry, check his essay and get her food. Because I know that person would do the exact. Same. Things for me.
That's why I'm always me from day one. With everyone I see. I'm always looking for that person.
Someone to be mean with. Someone with whom I can say bad things about other people and not be judged. Someone that would laugh to those comments instead of reminding me of how mean I am. Someone that for once would join me and make fun of people. Someone that knows that talking doesn't mean anything if it doesn't mean anything. But at the same time, someone that understands that sometimes things must be said because they fit, or because they have to, or because it'd be great to hear them. Someone that knows the perfect moment.
My fruitless search for perfection only brings me hatred and frustration. I don't want to regret things later, but I just can't go to bed and try to ignore this blood-boiling feeling.
Where are you? Anyone? Someone to drink coffee with? To talk to for hours before going to bed? To play Taboo with? To böghög! Someone with whom I can watch the worst movies ever made. And Star Wars. Someone that gives things up for me?
Someone that I could recognize by the smell? Someone that also hates pets?
Just someone that I can think of when I want to do something must people would frown upon. That one.
That one would be the one.
6 comments:
I would really like to comment on this but I don't know what to say other than you have probably found everyone of the qualities you have written about in one of your existing friends. I can tell by your writing that all of the features you would like this "perfect friend" to possess have been inspired by happy moments, memories from your already existing friends.
Your criteria of this perfect friend are molded from past experiences. This implies that as you keep experiencing things your idea of the perfect friend will constantly change. Bearing this in mind when, or rather if, you find this perfect friend it be impossible for them to maintain their perfection as your evaluation will not be static.
Gabriel, don't look for the perfect person. You have already found tiny pieces of perfection from friends who love and care for you. Cherish these pieces and learn from the rest.
Love you,
Laura
I thought you though my idea of the "person" (though your description is more than a little off of what I have in mind) was retarded....
He/she is out there, and it's probably a UWCer (this guy on my floor fawaz [he went to the one in new mexico] told me more than 80% of UWCers marry another UWCer).
Love,
avcl.
that is a very sad statistic item... how depressing.
i was about to write something really thoughtful and deep but there are re-runs of an old cult israeli comedy show, so i gtg.
but trust me, it was about to be really good
gili is awesome. that person does not exist. life kinda sucks and hates you and everyone while its at it. (so emo)
Everybody is looking for "that" person, you are not the only one.
(And, by the way, there's Angela)
Just FYI, this post was about Yale. Not about my other -unrivaled- friends.
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